Hello, My name is JB…..

…..Ok, Ok, my real name is Jason Broadfoot. Somehow this overly original and creative abbreviation has become who I am…half the time. Don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly fine being called “JB”. It is short, informal, casual, and by no means degrading, demeaning, or negative in any way. Out of all the nicknames I have had(and there are a lot, I mean a…lot) it is the one that pops up the most. The others will be another blog post for another time.

 Jason Broadfoot is what my family calls me……JB is what my friends call me

Jason Broadfoot has been promoted a couple of times at work……JB has written a 2 page email about poop at work(yes this has happened)

Jason Broadfoot is loved by grandmothers and children…..JB loves Vegas, gambling, and Crown Royal

By now you get the idea–and this will be the main point of this blog. For most of my life I was the quiet, well adjusted child, teenager, and college kid you would expect from what you would consider a “normal” childhood. By that there were no real defining traits-not the rich or poor kid, jock or nerd, homecoming king or social outcast–no horrific childhood trauma but not a life of rainbows and puppies either. Basically, the first 2/3 of my life was the life that  the majority of  us lived. Now, I am not here to say that the last 1/3 has been some tragedy or great success either. I am no different from most of you now. Respectable job that I can both like or dislike on any given day, with the same highs and lows as anybody. 

While the end result is “normal”, the path has not been. For whatever reason, this “normal” kid has grown up and started living this “average” life. The road to how I got here and where I go from here has many stops and attractions along the way that can not be considered “normal” or “average”.

Good or bad, big or small, everyday or once in a lifetime, you will hear of the things I have done, people I have met, and the things and people I will come across in the future. One thing is for sure, no matter what–I find the humor in it and learn a lesson from it. Not always some deep earth shattering lesson but something learned no matter how small is something you didn’t know before. How was that for pretentious?

Hopefully, I can entertain my friends with some of these posts if nothing else along the way. Jason Broadfoot will write respectable and keep it clean. “JB” will tell the story how it happened or how he sees fit-curse words, dirty jokes and all. You have been warned. You will hear from both on this road.

Lesson learned on first blog post–I am more run-on sentence than bullet points

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Mega Million Madness–Do’s and Don’ts

Mega Million Madness–Do’s and Don’ts.


Mega Million Madness–Do’s and Don’ts

Okay, Friday is another drawing and it is possible that someone wins around a half a billion dollars, not a million, a BILLION with a B. Could it be possible that if no one wins this time, we see a full billion dollar payout-would be close and probably be a “little short” but possible.

Here are some things that you should do and not do before, during, or after the process. Have I ever won a huge lottery jackpot you ask?, well no, but there are only a few that have and they have only done it once. If you have only done something once, does that really make anyone an expert? So with that reasoning, you should listen to me.

BEFORE THE DRAWING:

*Don’t play if you don’t understand how it works. This is the easiest thing in the world to understand. You pick numbers and if they come up you win a boatload of money. I don’t understand the people who take 15 minutes to buy one ticket. And if you don’t understand this process there is something else you shouldn’t do…..and that’s reproduce

 I don’t have the heart to tell them I gave them old tickets that already lost.

*Do discuss your awesome plans with your friends. It kills time at work. It is way more fun than discussing your lame plans with your lame real paycheck. Plus, you might get some killer ideas for when you win. *Do not listen to what an already rich person, hippie, or hipster would do with the money. It will just piss you off.

*Don’t tell me you are going back to work after you win. I won’t believe you. In fact, I will call you names. Oh, sure you may even believe you will and maybe you actually do work right after you win. On the 2% chance you follow through on your pretentious plans, it will last until that first time you turn down an invitation to go to a party at  the Playboy Mansion because you have to get up for work tomorrow. Absolutely DO NOT tell me you would keep working because you would get bored. You have a half a billion dollars!!!!!!! You can literally wake up in the morning and do ANYTHING YOU WANT!!! Travel, golf, whatever. Think back to all those days at work, meetings, bad dates where you were wishing you were doing anything else and do those things.

DURING THE DRAWING:

*Don’t have a gigantic viewing party for the drawing. This seems like a bad idea all around. I don’t think I would want a bunch of people to know right away(plenty of time for that later). There is no way yo could control your excitement for something like that. Plus, at parties people get drink and people get drunk. That person might be you. You will do something stupid and ruin everything. Don’t do something stupid and ruin everything.

AFTER THE DRAWING:

*Do-start hanging out with Kanye West-I just think that would be fun.

*Don’t buy the company you are currently working for and say “I am going to make it better”. You won’t.  Somebody else might, you won’t. Plus even if you hired people to do all the work, you are still the go-to person and that would involve a lot of unnecessary headaches and phone calls. No one wants headaches and phone calls while sipping drinks on a tropical island.

*Do start that small(key word small) business that you and your friends talk about when you are sitting around being friends. At some point, 99% of all guys sit around and talk about opening that bar/restaurant and how much fun it would be. The catch would be that let your friends be in charge-this would be a chance to give something to them. You could come and go when you could-not because you aren’t willing to make it work but there would be obligations because of your money. If it didn’t work, so be it, everyone would end up okay.

*Don’t buy an island-everyone says that they would want privacy and would buy a deserted island. That’s just stupid. One, there aren’t that many deserted islands anymore, it’s not 1492 people its 2012, its called Google Earth. “Lost” wasn’t real.  Besides, you know how much work you would have to put into a deserted island. No plumbing, no electricity, no Chick-Fil-A. With all the construction and work to your island it wouldn’t be that deserted anyway.

Some Personal Do’s and Dont’s or more like Would and Won’ts

*I would for my own entertainment withdrawal money from a ton of ATM’s and leave the receipts with huge remaining balances on them for people to see.  Narcissicist? You bet!! Dick move? for sure. Fun as hell? Absolutely!!!!! Besides if you really want to wash away the bad, you could leave the money you withdrew with the receipt for that next time.

*I would probably try to honor the 2 week notice thing at my job. Is it a little hypocritical of what I said earlier. A little bit, but you have to remember I personally work at a television station that broadcasts live news. Do you know how much fun I could have during live TV with nothing to lose?  Besides, after seeing how much fun I would have, they wouldn’t let me stay around for the whole two weeks anyway.

*I would most definitely frame the gigantic check and hang it in my living room. Be proud of who you are.

Ha Ha-my check is bigger than yours!!!!!

*I wouldn’t own an alarm clock. What would I need one for? Miss a flight? I can charter my own jet. Miss a tee time? I bet I can get another one. Honestly, I bet I have a counterpoint for any scenario you can come up with. Seriously, try me.

*I wouldn’t try to invest it in big money-making projects or big business ventures. (just that small for fun business with your friends) Why to make more money? Why risk it? You were given a lucky break-don’t throw it away

ABSOLUTE MUST DO FOR ME OR ANYBODY:

*Do find a way to do some good with some of your money. Don’t get caught up in the whole is it enough or could you do more arguments or guilt trips. Find a couple of things you believe in and find a way to help those.  I am not going to get into some specific list in a hypothetical situation but just know a little help from this lucky person could help a lot of people.

 


Things I wish 30 something me could tell 20 something me

First things first this very concept just sounds like someone will try to turn into a horrible  comedy starring Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus someday soon–40 something me apologizes in advance. I don’t know if any of these are more or less important than others. Everyone is different. Besides-you aren’t going to know which ones apply to you until later anyway.

Credit Cards are evil: Now one is ok, in fact you should probably get one young man. It can help you in a pinch. It will be a useful tool in booking hotels and things you need to reserve. You will be able to do anything on the internet in seconds with a credit card.  However, plural- credit cards are bad. It is hard to pay off one when you have to pay to three.

Take care of your knees: Maybe this should have went to high school me-20 something me wasn’t good to them either. You really use them in just about everything you do. You don’t need to play that 9th game of YMCA basketball in a row. There aren’t any scouts out there. Get out there, run around a bit to stay in shape but mix in some sit-ups or swimming or something.  If you don’t go out for every single sport in high school, you know what, it IS OK.  Nobody cares now.  I have learned the game better since and appreciate it more now, but if I had to do it all over again, I would not have played HS football.  Now, there was no way you could have stopped me from basketball and baseball but I LOVED those two,  football not so much. For those that know me now, that seems weird but back then, that was the deal. If you really love track, by all means, but if not, stick to the one or two you really like.

You won’t believe it now but the best times you have won’t involve lots of people but a few people lots of times:  Stop trying to be the coolest or funniest guy in class the whole time. Who cares if the guy in the 3rd row of your Mass Media class thinks you are cool? Will you know where he is now? Guess what 30-something me doesn’t and he doesn’t know where you are either.  “Buddies” come and go. Friends stick around and you stick around them.  Next time you are reliving those times, really think about who was there, there might be a bunch of people around but those few are right next to you.

Now, don’t dismiss new people either: People change-Some relationships work, some don’t last. Jobs and family make people harder to connect with on an everyday basis. Just because you already hang out with a few co-workers doesn’t mean there isn’t room for one more. That one more might be in some of your memories later on.

If someone isn’t worth your time-don’t waste your time: Its sounds harsh, its hard to do but sometimes you have to cut some people out. Not everyone is out for your best interest. Stop trying to “win them back”. There is such thing as 2nd chances, but if both parties act like their real selves-it will happen naturally.

Busch Light and Jim Carrey movies are fine but……there is more out there. If  you don’t try some new things and go outside your comfort zone you won’t know what you truly like or how much you truly like it.  Try a new beer every now and then. Many to choose from(I suggest Lucky Bucket). Also there are some good movies out there outside the typical comedy. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the hell out of Transformers and stupid over the top comedies. But, much to the chagrin of Tim Reith-I went and saw The Descendents. Tim so cleverly explained it as “you went to a movie where George Clooney runs in his flip-flops” and while this is very much true. There was more to it and I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it so I will just say it is very good.

One exception to that: Way to stay strong during the Titanic phenomenon. You may be missing out on a decent movie BUT the idea of being the only American born person aged 20-40 right now who has never seen it overpowers that.

You will have to choose between wanting to truly conquer the world or truly enjoying being a part of it. (To all other 20 somethings-please choose the 2nd option)

You will enjoy fewer things but you will enjoy them more.

Just put down the Kid Rock albums-you won’t enjoy them later.

Do not invest yourself into Mark Prior and Kerry Wood as the Cubs savior: Your heart will be broken

I could go on all day about things I wish I knew then by know now. I could write this 10x over. I will say for every “miss” above there is a dodged bullet or a “hit”


My awesome boring shut-in weekend

Of course this last weekend was Super Bowl Weekend and if you lived in most parts of Nebraska it was also filled with a winter storm.  First of all, let’s just get this out of the way-I HATE snow, HATE-I don’t just misunderstand it, I don’t need to spend more time with it to know the real it, I don’t need to get to know it better. I HATE snow plain and simple.  Weather reports had at different times ranging from about 7 inches to 15 inches. Other people had guesses from “psssh, it won’t do shit” all the way to ” worst blizzard ever”.  Now maybe the only thing worse than a foot of snow is “anticipating” a foot of snow for a few days. 3 days of waiting for a blizzard you don’t want and listening to people and their asinine stories and stupid made up hashtag names for the upcoming storm made it seem just like Christmas……only exactly the opposite.

My work schedule for my 2nd job got moved around so I had a normal person weekend. Off work and home about 2 pm on Friday and no work til Monday. The snow was supposed to start Friday afternoon so it was going to work out about as well as a blizzard can. Picked up some supplies on Thursday and Friday after work and decided I wasn’t leaving my apartment until Monday morning.

Spent Friday napping and playing Madden on my  new PS3. I know, I know I am way behind the times but whatever, I am not really that big of  a gamer, I do like to play sports games sometimes. I go in stretches. I will play a new game for hours and hours over a weekend and then not touch the thing for weeks at a time. I did want a gaming system and this one also has Blue-Ray and can stream Netflix, etc… so that is what I bought. I have also come to realize I am just not very good at these video games. Oh well.

Saturday was spent making chili, playing my game, napping, and watching movies. Epic. I didn’t want to deal with the snow and if that meant not dealing with the rest of the human race for a day or two-so be it.  My chili is a little different from others. I don’t like beans so I don’t eat chili that often, however I have started making it every once in a while for myself and have done it about 4-5 times. I am going to spare everyone the douchtastic move of proclaiming my chili the “best ever”. Like I said, new to making it myself so I have had some hits and some misses as well. This one turned out pretty well I think. It all goes in one crock pot minus one thing I fix separate. First I filled the bottom of crock pot with water(just a bit) and diced up some carrots and celery. Low for a couple of hours then add the meat, I use stew meat and cut that up into smaller chunks. Throw it in for a couple more hours on low heat, if the pieces are small enough it won’t take too long to cook through on low heat. Drain that water and then start adding the soup part. Diced tomatoes, juice and all(up to you on how many you want in), a bottle of beer(wouldn’t use Guinness or anything like that, but don’t go to the trouble of buying anything different from you would have anyway.) Then, tomato juice until it is to your desired soupiness or thickness.

Spices–whatever you like–obviously the staples: garlic, onion powder(I don’t like eating actual bites of onion, I know I am weird) chili powder. I go pretty heavy on the cayenne pepper and then add honey at the end to calm that down.(brown sugar can be used as well). This idea came from a sweet and spicy dry rub I have used to grill ribs and it is fantastic(brown sugar and cayenne is the base for that rub and it is great!!! the sugar carmalizes on the ribs and the cayenne gives the meat a kick–no sauce needed!!) I will boil some potatoes separate, make those into bite size pieces and add them a little  before you want to eat. This is for filler to replace the beans. (I added black olives to mine) Again, not for everyone but I didn’t make it for everyone, I made it for me.  I started the carrots and celery about 10:30 and started eating about 7.  Obviously, you can speed up some of the process by ramping up the temp or cooking the meat separate but the last thing I was in was a hurry so I didn’t

Chili and movie time!! I redboxed 3 of them. I should also mention that I am so far behind in movies that I want to see-happens for me every winter due to work schedule so don’t judge the timeliness and also take into account the selection a day or two before a blizzard.

Ides of March–Ryan Gosling and George Clooney in a presidential campaign. Liked it for the most part. Saw the first swerve coming a mile away which actually kind of annoys me, would rather be surprised(maybe they didn’t care about being coy about it). They left it up to one of those interpretive endings where the viewer is supposed to decide what happens next(look what you started Sopranos). I give it a B-minus.

Drive–Ryan Gosling again-apparently I turned into a 19 year old girl recently. Crime caper with a stunt driver/getaway driver with a heart of gold . Gets caught up in something bigger, violence ensues…blah, blah, blah. Ehhh. Take it or leave it. Have seen worse but a C-minus. Does have a couple of bad ass cars in it so there is that.

50/50–Seth Rogan and Joseph-Gordon-Levitt–young adult gets cancer and he and his quirky family and friends have to deal. Liked this one a lot. I like the Seth Rogan playing Seth Rogan character in most of his movies. Maybe we didn’t need the “next big thing” onslaught (3-4 in a year) that we got earlier but after the inevitable hot and cold cycle, he has settled in, picked a good project here and it was enjoyable. You knew the movie would follow the up, lowest point, triumph story arc, but it was a good ride to get there. Even going to admit to letting the movie get to me at one point. For those who have seen it, the scene is right after he tries driving for the first time(that doesn’t give too much away for those who haven’t but will give you an idea of where if you do) Best scene: The confrontation the 2 main characters have with the bad girlfriend after she gets outed as a bad girlfriend.  Solid B+

That was my weekend–I did get a touch stir crazy and left the house Sunday afternoon to go watch the Super Bowl at the parents.

 

 

 


Just some things rattling around up there…..

…..no rhyme or reason to any of this–just stuff.

*there was no way I could write a recap to my 2011. It had to have been the biggest holding pattern of a year imaginable. Same jobs, same apartment, same relationship status, same vehicle…etc. Not that there weren’t fun and great moments or days–I just didn’t have the earth moving event this year.

*I have come to find out that in the “facebook era” that the Huskers have NEVER lost a game fair and square. Stupid refs. Stupid Dan Beebe. Stupid Texas. uggghhh, get over it, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

*I don’t know the person in my apt. to my east. I don’t know if it is a boy or girl, young or old, single or couple, kids or no. I am not even sure the apartment is full. I AM SURE that one is my favorite neighbor. I am not ashamed to say that. I don’t feel bad about it one bit. The people on my floor are weird-end of story. I don’t much care to see them and I will try to avoid it.

*I work at a TV station that is an ABC affiliate. I see the promos for all the ABC shows quite often. I love the ones for the Bachelor. They just stopped trying to sell the love story part and just went straight for the train wreck. The one with the woman crying for 30 seconds is fantastic. I watched last night(Monday) for about 15 minutes. I am neither ashamed nor disappointed by this.

*The Tebow thing needs to stop. I don’t wish harm on him, but the thing is he…… just isn’t very good. Give him a couple of years of grooming and who knows?, he deserves that. However, right now…..No!  (although I am 4-1 betting against him this year and the thought of betting against him in a playoff game against a good team does bring a smile to my face)

*I keep hearing about it and “they” say it is a good book or set of books, but I literally have no idea what “Hunger Games” is about. I just don’t know. All I hear is that the books are “so good” and the movie looks great. I just have no clue what the story or plot are. I guess I could look it up.

*There is something hilarious about how upset my father gets when Justin Bieber comes on TV. He literally gets mad. I don’t know why it makes him mad, it just does. It’s not like there are teenage girls that live there and have overrun the house with posters and songs. It is fun though!!!

*Clete, Gunner, Diesel,…..these are names I would never give to a pet, let alone a child…….too bad there aren’t more parents that share this belief.

 


“Uncle Jason”

“Uncle Jason” the last few times I have visited the niece, this is what I hear when I walk in the door. My niece Natalie is about 2 1/2 yrs old. She is kind of going through a thing where she puts a title with everyone’s name. It’s not just “Grandma” its “Grandma Deb” or “Papa Larry”–so I am “Uncle Jason”

I would like to think I get along great with the niece, I mean what can go wrong? I give her whatever she asks for or do whatever she wants and everything is great right? Honestly, that’s pretty close. I am pretty lucky that I get to see her fairly regularly with the parents and brother living here in town.(We didn’t grow up here, not far mind you, but not in Kearney, we all just ended up here) So I am a familiar face to her.

My brother Kyle is just like the rest of us in that he has to work a lot to get by so there is a good amount of time spent at Grandma and Papa’s house. Well, a couple of weekends ago, I thought I would take Natalie to the movies. The Muppets was playing and being someone who still enjoys a lot of things from being a kid and maybe not quite growing up all the way either, I wanted to go.

Now, without a wife or date or kids of my own, this is not really one of those movies I can really go to by myself. At least not without a ton of weird looks and probably a call or two from the police. So, I took Natalie on a day Kyle had to work. While around a lot-this would be the first time I was really alone with her for any amount of time—GULP!!!

Obviously, a bathroom visit is the worst fear for obvious reasons. Luckily, that one was avoided. Wasn’t sure we were going to go when I had picked her up, she had been up during the night sick and just didn’t quite seem to be herself. However, she just had the nap and seemed to be OK, so on we went.

Literally, 1.4 seconds after stepping in the door. “Uncle Jason, I need popcorn” The kid loves it, I love it, so this is easy-Popcorn it is. Better get a drink to go with that to share, got it. Alright, time to get our seat. “I need a kid chair”(which means the booster chair that sits in the seat) Got it. “Noooooo!!!! I need the green one” (Need?!) Me: “The yellow one is on top” (Stupid) “Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! (Uh, oh!!) Me: “Ok, ok”. 

Now this is where the difference between full-time parents and one of those “sometimes” people is quite evident. Full time parent is carrying kid, popcorn, diaper bag, booster seat, toy and purse and making it look EASY.  I am trying to stuff Natalie in my sweatshirt pocket, put everything else in the booster seat upside down, or whatever I could do to walk 50 ft without breaking down.

Into theatre: Goal–get a seat on an aisle or in the row of seats in front of the main seating set up for handicapped seating. Don’t judge-you would want to as well(also if there would have been 15 people who NEEDED those seats, they could have had them–not a monster) Goal accomplished-in fact got the end of the very front row. “Here is your seat” NOOOOOOOOO!!!! “I don’t want to sit” Me: Are you going to stand for the movie? Natalie: “Yes” (your world, I’m just living in it) That lasted 4 minutes–Climb up on my knee and sit, sure kid, this will be comfortable for both of us. Evidently it was because with popcorn, no worries-first 15 minutes breeze by.

Now things get fun. “I want down” Off to the door to the outside exit in front of the aisle she goes. After a fantastic back and forth that I didn’t win, I decided if she wanted to plop down there that was fine for now. No harm, was still closest person to her, she was quiet and watching the show for the most part. However, other kids would soon start crying and needing the bathroom so I knew her being at the bottom of the stairs was not going to work. Me: “Come here” Natalie: NO!  Go to pick her up and sit her down back on my knee. (oops) “WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Ok-to the lobby. “I need Waaaahhhhhhh!!!”  (What?!) “I need, I need waaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! Got one gigantic sympathy half-smile and awww!!  from a lady walking her teary-eyed kid back in the movie. “water” Ok, done but still crying–Me: “Do you want to go back in and have a drink of pop?”  Like a switch “YEEAAHHHH!!!” (ugh, why didn’t I think of that earlier?)

More popcorn and a little pop later as well as another 10 minute sit down in the exit-we made it through. She enjoyed the dancing and singing chickens the best. Beaker and Pepe were my favorites.

At times that movie felt longer than the Godfather…..trilogy, but we made it home and the first thing she did was run to Grandma which made me think I was in trouble for some horrible thing I did wrong. But no, “Grandma Deb, Grandma Deb, Uncle Jason took me to the Muffet(maybe its Muphet) movie!! Was it fun? “YEEEAAHHHH, I had popcorn with Uncle Jason at the Muffet movie!! We go again?”   Sure kid, to the sequel a couple of years away! Unless of course, she says please and then I am done for. What can I say? She knows a sucker when she sees one.

Lesson Learned: Movie theatre popcorn can fix ANYTHING!!!

 


Coach Jason….

Coach Jason…..has a good ring to it, at least I think so. Well, that is what I get to hear for a couple of hours once a week anyways. I have taken a job as a youth basketball coach for the Kearney Park & Rec. This is the second “season” that I have done this program. Basically, it is to teach some basics to kids as they start to hit the middle school age with an emphasis on just getting out and playing. A handful of drills, some team practice, and a short game at the end of each night.

It is good to work with kids every now and then. Does something for the soul to try to teach a kid something new or give them that last tip to start to master something. Great to be around a group of kids that are only worried about trying to have fun. They haven’t been turned into the cynical grown-ups that only worry about how something is going to ruin their day(which at times I have to admit to being guilty of as much as anyone).

I have worked a little bit with kids in sports before and have enjoyed it. I once coached T-ball during a summer or two while in high school. In college, I gained hours towards a practicum while working for NYSP(National Youth Sports Program). That was a summer sports and education camp for kids couldn’t pay for those expensive camps.(if you qualified for reduced lunches at school, you qualified. That was a great experience and I would have loved to do it again but things didn’t quite work out.  

One thing I am learning or I should probably say re-learning is patience. I would have to admit to losing some of that over the years. Probably just not enough room anymore with the added cynicism.  🙂  In the last few years I have announced AT LEAST 500+ games on the radio, and who knows how many college or pro games I have watched as a fan. You take for granted that the players “get” the concept of the game. Now,  are there times where I have to remind a certain kid if he is on offense or defense? Yes, yes there is. Has there been a kid throw the ball to a ref during play? Sure, why not? Is there the one kid I secretly worry might try to eat his own shoestrings? Yeah, there is that. Those things test patience–so far, I think I am passing. Now, I make no guarantees about not sending a folding chair sliding across the floor, Bobby Knight style, after the 43rd straight missed lay-up.

Actually, I am pretty lucky. My partner and I, Coach Andrea, have gotten pretty lucky in that we never have to spend any time or give any reminders to play hard. They do that just fine on their own. Coach Andrea seems to have a sense of humor as well, which will help remind me that I do as well. We have won and lost one “game” so far, but have played great in the 2nd halves. They were so close to breaking out in the game they did lose. Maybe we will find a way to not fall behind so much so early haha!!

Lesson learned-I better make sure I win the one-on-one games now before my awesome coaching turns them into better players than I am now :/


“Do you want to borrow my fake leg?”

Wait,…what?, did you just say that?  We have all been mid conversation with someone and something gets said that just doesn’t make sense or walked in a room and the first thing you hear is totally horrific, offensive, or awesome when heard or said without context. Well, here are 5 things that I have said or said to me at work mind you that without context make no sense.(not sure they make any sense with context but that will be for you to decide)

Warning: Rated R for Language–I would just say get over it but that would be rude– so I will say these are quotes and they happened. Sometimes people disagree, sometimes a horrificly inappropriate joke is…well…appropriate. My belief  is that the actual “bad” words are just that only words. Not rocks.

Blog go-to warning: Top 5 list-I am so creative!  If I said it bold, if said to me, normal type–there are dozens of bad jokes or dumb emails that could fit in here, but in a vacuum these are the groupings of words that just shouldn’t make much sense. Some of you might remember some others-feel free to share.

Also, don’t worry-I am neither offended or upset at these so don’t feel the need to quit or call a lawyer-shit happens

 5. “Do you want to borrow my fake leg?”

4.”You know–Light sabers don’t actually exist!” & Silence(no ” ” there, actual silence, it will make sense in a minute)

 3. “Just go to the fucking Power Rangers!!!”

 2.”Lick my hairy nut sack”

1.”Your job is to un-fuck it”

Now, add a little context and they might start to make sense

5. This happened today. History segment with on-air anchor holding old shotguns. Ok, here come the jokes about not letting that person hold a gun, she might get ya, blah, blah, blah, etc..etc..etc.., keeps going to where the MC operator, who has a fake leg due to diabetes, says I should have a weapon of my own. Now, mind you he has a cane, does he mention that? No.  A hypothetical golf club, baseball bat, another gun, a damn bazooka, anything will work. Nope-“Do you want to borrow my fake leg?”

4. Co-worker watching the semi-famous youtube video of “Star Wars Guy”. Basically an “adult” swinging a rod around pretending to be a Jedi, or Ewok, or Yoda or some shit, I don’t know. He proceeds to ask in all seriousness as we can tell, why he doesn’t just use a light saber instead of a rod. ” You know light sabers don’t exist?”  His reply: Silence, nothing, nada, zilch, crickets–just a blank look like I just outed his parents as Santa Claus-please don’t tell him this, this was a tough blow for him, and its close to the holidays. Also, spare the part where you tell me if I spelled “saber”  wrong. I don’t care, because, THEY DON”T EXIST!!!

3. “Just go to the fucking Power Rangers!!!”   A once a year parade preempts our normal Sat. morning programming. Gets to be close to the end and the MC operator(different one) says he has it from there–Awesome! Now everyone, including MC guy knows there is one last break. End of parade, thanks for joining us, now after this break join our regularly scheduled programming(Power Rangers)–only problem–Black screen, no sound, nothing. Me: Hey man that’s you.” MC: I know!!!!” Me: “Well”  MC:”Incoherent yelling at equipment  Me:(after black screen for 10-15 seconds, which is a lifetime to us) “Just fucking go to the Power Rangers!”

2. Another argument with yet another MC operator-something they were supposed to record was not where it needed to be for the 3rd or 4th time in a short span. When I asked what happened, I got the spectacular response of “Oh well, I guess I got a case of the Mondays.” Now, there would not be a jury in the world that would convict anybody of beating someone with a fake leg for saying something that annoying, BUT, since my job entails me having to sit in the same chair for two hours and a pretty clear explanation in the company handbook about that being frowned upon, all I could come up with is “I don’t care what day it is, get your shit together.” His reply: “Lick my hairy nut sack!” You know what, maybe context is overrated, maybe that meant exactly what it sounded like. My bad!

1. My personal favorite-only because of the setting. That setting, my job evaluation. Again, I am a casual guy, a bad word or two isn’t going to get me. Even a bad joke at a bad time will be forgiven by me, if I know you were trying to kid around, it’s all good. However, I just didn’t see this one coming. And the actual phrase, OH, the phrase was fantastic. Fast forward to the wrap-up portion of the job evaluation. Boss: “Basically, what I am looking for in a shift supervisor is……from time to time, things are going to get fucked(pause, looooooong awkward pause) your job is to un-fuck it”     Whaaaaaaattttt?!!!  Is that even physically possible? Do you know how hard I bit my lip to keep from laughing? Seriously, I bet there is still a scar. Brilliant!!!  Do you know how much I want “The Unfucker” to be my nickname? I would pay $50 for my next softball shirt to say “Unfucker” on the back if I thought I could wear it. Typing this, I realized that I am absolutely disappointed in myself that none of my bazillion fantasy football team names don’t have some form of  “un-fuck” in it. Say that whole phrase out loud, I dare you. Even if you are offended by language, there is NOOOOO way you can do it without cracking up just a little.

Anyway, “Do you want to borrow my fake leg” was actually said out to me at work today. It got me to thinking of some of the other weird things that have been said to, around, or even by me and that is just at work. Just a reminder of the not so normal ride I and we all are on.

Again, I know not everyone is going to like all the material. Hey, what can I say, this is life. These are real, actual quotes, and they happened.

Lesson learned: Context means a lot–and from time to time, things are going to get fu….said, and you can’t un-say them.

 

 


Busy, Busy–but not whining…..

…..too much at least. Last Thursday(Oct. 27th) was a busy day. I currently have 3 jobs, I don’t know why. Obviously, the money is nice to have, but I can honestly say that money isn’t the first thing about these jobs. Now, I am not going to say something stupid like I would do this stuff for free because in reality, there is just too much time spent to do that.  In fact, last Thursday was a perfect example of that, so here was my day.

4:30 am-arrive at NTV where I work behind the scenes for the morning show through the noon show.  Honestly, have had some great days here and some horrible ones here, but for the most part am content here. Can’t mask 4:30-that sucks-no way to get around it but can’t do anything about it either. There will be stories to come out later, but this day was calm.

1:30 pm-leave work and head home-quick stop here to pick up equipment and a quick bite and head back out

2:00pm-leave for Alma, which is about an hour drive from my apt.

3:15pm-after getting gas arrive at the Alma football field for  job #2-for those that don’t know, that is announcing high school football and basketball games for a radio station(97.7 FM KMTY Holdrege). Well this was the first round of the state playoffs. Now, I knew that there was a good chance that this would put me late for job #3 but this was the last time they could overlap so we would all deal. After the home team got a lead, they actually pushed it to 35 points which meant the “mercy” rule kicks in and the clock keeps running. At this point, it looked like no problem in getting to job #3.  However, that didn’t last long, lead dropped under 35, couple of injuries(cramps) and now back to being a little late.

6:15-game over-hour drive back puts me at job # 3 late but about the time we were expecting.   Problem #1: get to pickup in parking lot, only to find it blocked in by another car. Waited a couple of minutes, mapped out plan of attack with other blocked in car(which would have taken some awesome driving skills). Thank goodness, the driver of the car blocking us in arrived and moved before either of us tried our plan and did any damage. 🙂    Problem #2: What time of year is it? that’s right-harvest!!! That means combines and grain trucks all over the road and some slow-moving at times….uggggghhhhh

7:30ish–arrive at job #3–in the same dress clothes that I started in the morning. Now, not a problem except the job is coaching youth basketball for Kearney Park and Rec. I did this last year and loved it and am going to love it again this year. My coaching partner also worked this program last year and possibly before that, I think wants to be a coach later, and when I got there had everything under control. Saw a couple of faces from last year’s group and of course some new ones. Our group seems to be a good one and the one thing neither one of us had to do was tell them to try hard-they did that on their own.

8:45-done-3 jobs in 2 different towns and one 15 miles from anywhere. Should have went to bed here so I could get a good nights sleep and start at 4:30 the next morning. BUT, that day was American Beer Day and that could not go unrecognized. Down to Old Chicago where I met up with 3 other friends for some pizza and beer. World Series game 6 was on-perfect way to end the night. Left OC about 10-10:30 BUT stayed up to watch the end of that great game.

11:15 finally bedtime

Now, this is NOT to make anyone feel sorry for me, because this is the exception, not the rule. Besides, that is the opposite of what I want. Yes, it was a long day, yes it was a busy day, but it was a GREAT day. There are tons of people who can’t tolerate their job or are forced to work 2-3 jobs. I am very lucky to be able to find other work that I really enjoy in the radio job and coaching youth basketball. Despite the early hours, the full-time job can be very fulfilling and at the very least, interesting.(You will definitely hear more on this job at various times) 

Lesson learned: A busy, busy day but I have nothing to whine about