Wait,…what?, did you just say that? We have all been mid conversation with someone and something gets said that just doesn’t make sense or walked in a room and the first thing you hear is totally horrific, offensive, or awesome when heard or said without context. Well, here are 5 things that I have said or said to me at work mind you that without context make no sense.(not sure they make any sense with context but that will be for you to decide)
Warning: Rated R for Language–I would just say get over it but that would be rude– so I will say these are quotes and they happened. Sometimes people disagree, sometimes a horrificly inappropriate joke is…well…appropriate. My belief is that the actual “bad” words are just that only words. Not rocks.
Blog go-to warning: Top 5 list-I am so creative! If I said it bold, if said to me, normal type–there are dozens of bad jokes or dumb emails that could fit in here, but in a vacuum these are the groupings of words that just shouldn’t make much sense. Some of you might remember some others-feel free to share.
Also, don’t worry-I am neither offended or upset at these so don’t feel the need to quit or call a lawyer-shit happens
5. “Do you want to borrow my fake leg?”
4.”You know–Light sabers don’t actually exist!” & Silence(no ” ” there, actual silence, it will make sense in a minute)
3. “Just go to the fucking Power Rangers!!!”
2.”Lick my hairy nut sack”
1.”Your job is to un-fuck it”
Now, add a little context and they might start to make sense
5. This happened today. History segment with on-air anchor holding old shotguns. Ok, here come the jokes about not letting that person hold a gun, she might get ya, blah, blah, blah, etc..etc..etc.., keeps going to where the MC operator, who has a fake leg due to diabetes, says I should have a weapon of my own. Now, mind you he has a cane, does he mention that? No. A hypothetical golf club, baseball bat, another gun, a damn bazooka, anything will work. Nope-“Do you want to borrow my fake leg?”
4. Co-worker watching the semi-famous youtube video of “Star Wars Guy”. Basically an “adult” swinging a rod around pretending to be a Jedi, or Ewok, or Yoda or some shit, I don’t know. He proceeds to ask in all seriousness as we can tell, why he doesn’t just use a light saber instead of a rod. ” You know light sabers don’t exist?” His reply: Silence, nothing, nada, zilch, crickets–just a blank look like I just outed his parents as Santa Claus-please don’t tell him this, this was a tough blow for him, and its close to the holidays. Also, spare the part where you tell me if I spelled “saber” wrong. I don’t care, because, THEY DON”T EXIST!!!
3. “Just go to the fucking Power Rangers!!!” A once a year parade preempts our normal Sat. morning programming. Gets to be close to the end and the MC operator(different one) says he has it from there–Awesome! Now everyone, including MC guy knows there is one last break. End of parade, thanks for joining us, now after this break join our regularly scheduled programming(Power Rangers)–only problem–Black screen, no sound, nothing. Me: Hey man that’s you.” MC: I know!!!!” Me: “Well” MC:”Incoherent yelling at equipment Me:(after black screen for 10-15 seconds, which is a lifetime to us) “Just fucking go to the Power Rangers!”
2. Another argument with yet another MC operator-something they were supposed to record was not where it needed to be for the 3rd or 4th time in a short span. When I asked what happened, I got the spectacular response of “Oh well, I guess I got a case of the Mondays.” Now, there would not be a jury in the world that would convict anybody of beating someone with a fake leg for saying something that annoying, BUT, since my job entails me having to sit in the same chair for two hours and a pretty clear explanation in the company handbook about that being frowned upon, all I could come up with is “I don’t care what day it is, get your shit together.” His reply: “Lick my hairy nut sack!” You know what, maybe context is overrated, maybe that meant exactly what it sounded like. My bad!
1. My personal favorite-only because of the setting. That setting, my job evaluation. Again, I am a casual guy, a bad word or two isn’t going to get me. Even a bad joke at a bad time will be forgiven by me, if I know you were trying to kid around, it’s all good. However, I just didn’t see this one coming. And the actual phrase, OH, the phrase was fantastic. Fast forward to the wrap-up portion of the job evaluation. Boss: “Basically, what I am looking for in a shift supervisor is……from time to time, things are going to get fucked(pause, looooooong awkward pause) your job is to un-fuck it” Whaaaaaaattttt?!!! Is that even physically possible? Do you know how hard I bit my lip to keep from laughing? Seriously, I bet there is still a scar. Brilliant!!! Do you know how much I want “The Unfucker” to be my nickname? I would pay $50 for my next softball shirt to say “Unfucker” on the back if I thought I could wear it. Typing this, I realized that I am absolutely disappointed in myself that none of my bazillion fantasy football team names don’t have some form of “un-fuck” in it. Say that whole phrase out loud, I dare you. Even if you are offended by language, there is NOOOOO way you can do it without cracking up just a little.
Anyway, “Do you want to borrow my fake leg” was actually said out to me at work today. It got me to thinking of some of the other weird things that have been said to, around, or even by me and that is just at work. Just a reminder of the not so normal ride I and we all are on.
Again, I know not everyone is going to like all the material. Hey, what can I say, this is life. These are real, actual quotes, and they happened.
Lesson learned: Context means a lot–and from time to time, things are going to get fu….said, and you can’t un-say them.